Americans Vs Russians
-------------------------

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.  'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'  

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead..'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.  How soon can I go home?'


Happy Mental Health Day!  

The Silver Screw

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.  All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.


Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.


All the years of growing up were real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.  He avoided leaving his house  . . ..  And thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a monk in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.  He was thrilled.    The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to  Nepal

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The monk knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.  The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window.  In the mist floated a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.  Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!  Jubilant, he leaped out of bed . . . . And his butt fell off.

The moral to this is:


'Don't screw around with things you don't understand -- You could lose your ass.'

Loved this!  It does make me sad, however  - - since  - - - I am Irish and I am blonde, but at my age, this would never have the same effect for me!    

Cyndee



    AN  IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO



    An  attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the

    casino.  She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

    She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I  feel much

    luckier when I'm completely nude'..

    With that, she stripped  from the neck down, rolled the

    dice and with an  Irish brogue yelled,  'Come on, baby, Mama needs new

    clothes!'

    As the dice came to a stop,  she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES!

    I WON, I WON!'

    She  hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her

    winnings and her  clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other  dumbfounded.

    Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'  

    The other answered,

    'I don't know - I thought you were  watching.'

    MORAL OF THE STORY -

     Not all Irish are drunks,  

    not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are  men.


Have a "Happy St. Paddy's Day!"  

Hey Blondie!  Now that was funnY!!  

Roller Coaster
-------------------------

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."

"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don’t stand up in the car!"   DOH!  

An oldie, but still funny!


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
 
The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip ..'
 
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm...
 
=0 AUpon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2)  There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3)  There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4)  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5)  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6)  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7)  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8)  David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9)  When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'
11) When Jesus br oke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for this is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.
12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pull ing contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

 

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER  

1. My mother taught me: TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'

2. My mother taught me: RELIGION.
'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'

3. My mother taught me: TIME TRAVEL .
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'

4. My mother taught me: LOGIC.
' Because I said so, that's why.'

5. My mother taught me: MORE LOGIC .
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'

6. My mother taught me: FORESIGHT.
'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'

7. My mother taught me: IRONY
'Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.'

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'

9. My mother taught me: CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'

11. My mother taught me: WEATHER .
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'

12. My mother taught me: HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'

13. My mother taught me: THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'

1 4. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'

15. My mother taught me: ENVY.
'There are million's of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING .
'You are going to get it when you get home!'

18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.'

19. My mother taught me: ESP.
'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'

20. My mother taught me: HUMOR.
'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'

21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'

22. My mother taught me: GENETICS.
'I swear you're just like your father.'

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you . Do you think you were born in a barn?'

24. My mother taught me: WISDOM ...
'When you get to be my age, you'll understand.'

25. And my favorite: My MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT JUSTICE
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!

  Got Attitude?
It's choice, not chance that's important!!

Joe is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!"

He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, Joe was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it!

You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.

Every time some one comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood.

You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a  communications tower.

After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked

He continued, "..the paramedics were great.

They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."

"What did you do?" I asked.

"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Joe. "She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."

He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything. It's choice..not chance that is the important decision

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34.

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  

 woman comes home and tells her husband,
'Remember those headaches I've been having All these years?

Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror,

Stare at myself and repeat,

' I do not have a headache '

' I do not have a headache '

' I do not have a headache '

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone..'

Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that? '

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bed room. He puts her on the
bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.

He goes back into the bath room , comes back and round two was even better
than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.

With that, he goes back in the bathroom

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she
sees him standing at the mirror and saying

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife '

'She's not my wife ' .

'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,'  however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What  gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the  teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to  decide for themselves  
whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation..

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal  logic;

2. The  native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone  else;

3. Even  the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As  soon as you make a commitment  to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories  for it.



The women's group, however,  concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'),  because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn  them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for  themselves;

3. They  are supposed to help you solve  problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As  soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model


The women  won..

Two Guys From Chicago
-------------------------
Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, 'What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?'

The two guys reply, 'Well, you know, we're from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.'

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. 'Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.'

The two Chicagoans reply, 'Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we've just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. 'I don't understand. When I turn the heat up, you're happy. Now it's freezing cold, and you're happy. What is wrong with you two?'

The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. 'Well, don't ya know--if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing...the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.  

Lisa, Thank you for the chuckles!

Hope you all like this one!

Easter Bunny


A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is  DEAD .

The driver feels so awful   that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The  Easter Bunny  jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands," What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

Happy Easter!!!




Laugh often, you look better with a smile !





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ENJOY A LAUGH!!!   Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA:     Here it is.
TEACHER:   Correct. Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:     Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:           You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:   K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L                                    
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong
GLENN:    Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:     H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:     Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:     Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE:           I is..
TEACHER:    No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:     All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:          Because George still had the axe in his hand.    
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:        No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER:     Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE:       No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:   A teacher

 Attire for advanced age...



Some of us over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedo's and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist

11. Bikinis and liver spots

12. Short shorts and varicose veins

13. Inline skates and a walker

And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in Fashion for the 'Older folks'.....

14. Thongs and Depends




Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Cracking The Human Resource Code
-------------------------

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
Most of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the crap done.